You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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