You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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