Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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