I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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