in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
