One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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