Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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