Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
