I wish my penis had an off switch
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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