i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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