I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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