I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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