She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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