I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
