We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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