Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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