Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
