Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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