found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
