my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
