In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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