Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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