I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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