She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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