You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
