Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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