Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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