i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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