just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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