Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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