you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
