No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My ass is underappreciated
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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