Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
