I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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