Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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