she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
