I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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