i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My bed smells like the plague
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