"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
nutella sex= disaster
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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