some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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