I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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