at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
