the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
