Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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