I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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