Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
