you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
