I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
