brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
