A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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